Dear Universe

Broken Wine Opener Dear Universe,

Why, oh why, can't I find a wine opener that doesn't break on me? I'm on my fourth one in as many years. This is getting ridiculous. Yes, I use a wine opener a lot, perhaps even more than the Average Joe, but that certainly is no excuse for for such caustic breakdowns. If there is some sort of usage expiration on wine openers, the package should come with such a warning. My Blendtec counts how many times I've blended things, my car has an odometer, cats have nine you see what I'm getting at here? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET JESUS, SEND ME A WINE OPENER THAT I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD MY BREATH WHILE USING!!

Painful old wine opener

Right now I'm forced to go back to the old fashioned kind pictured above, but THAT CONTRAPTION IS A HARD ONE TO OPERATE. You need to have muscles, something you shorted me on when you made me. I'm never certain if I have the strength to pull that damn cork out. Do you know how awful it is to live in constant fear that you won't be able to open a bottle of wine at the end of the day (or the middle of the day or the first thing in the morning)? Of course, all of this could be solved if I stuck to screw tops. Unfortunately, some of my favorite wines don't come in screw top. Plus, it's hard enough finding vegan wines and now you're asking me to find vegan screw-top wines. Seriously, why are you messing with me? IT'S JUST A GLASS OF WINE. It's not like I'm Sarah "Gun Sights" Palin rambling on and on about how anyone who says she's at fault for the Arizona shooting should be shot in the head. No. I'm just a girl from the Midwest living on the West coast LOOKING TO HAVE SOME WINE WITH HER PRINGLES.

That's all I'm asking for, Universe. Please consider.

Many thanks, Barb